1 We have heard it with our ears, O God;
our ancestors have told us
what you did in their days,
in days long ago.
2 With your hand you drove out the nations
and planted our ancestors;
you crushed the peoples
and made our ancestors flourish.
3 It was not by their sword that they won the land,
nor did their arm bring them victory;
it was your right hand, your arm,
and the light of your face, for you loved them.
4 You are my King and my God,
who decrees victories for Jacob.
5 Through you we push back our enemies;
through your name we trample our foes.
6 I put no trust in my bow,
my sword does not bring me victory;
7 but you give us victory over our enemies,
you put our adversaries to shame.
8 In God we make our boast all day long,
and we will praise your name forever.
Psalm 44:1-8
I spent four years earning a bible college degree in Christian Ministry, but then I would never make Christian ministry my full-time profession. She talked her parents into paying for her training as a state-certified cosmetologist, which she pursued as a profession for only a few months. In both cases, we were distracted and redirected into other careers and other ministries. Sometimes we felt a little guilty for not sticking with the plan.
But my bible college degree has been invaluable to me in the many and varied volunteer ministry activities I've been involved in: teaching, preaching, counseling, small group leadership, church leadership, foster parenting, prison ministry, and even rideshare driving.
And her months in that cosmetology school was a crash course in what worldly people are really like, far from the relatively sheltered world in which she had grown up.
My career in the hospital supply chain taught me the same thing - to understand the real world of non-isolated non-believers.
Our involvement with the Mizzou Christian Campus House played a part in introducing us to foster parenting, which flung open the door to a view of life in a world beyond anything we'd experienced before. The combination of dealing with a state bureaucracy and the unbelievably messy lives of the extended families of foster children blew our minds and broadened our perspective and insight into God's activities in the world.
And then came a decade and a half jumping hip deep into prison ministry every Monday night. It was easy to see how God had been preparing us all through those years to be effective in reaching out to women who had fallen off the edge of their world and hit rock bottom. The bible college education, the varied venues and audiences for teaching and counseling, and the intimate atmosphere of small group discipleship. The lifelong sojourn from one rental neighborhood to another, leading to the trial by fire of interacting with neighbors who abused their wives, lived in poverty, and dealt in drugs and violence. The heart-ripping experiences of foster parenting, and the tough years of watching our sons wander through the ways of the world. Interacting with so many of their family and friends who were living on the edge of the line between what we thought of as normal and the world thought of as criminal.
We were at a loss so many times. But we learned that God's call for us was to be there and say "Yes", to whatever and whoever he chose to put in our path. And that it all had been preparing us for the greatest experience of our lives, in that prison chapel.
9 But now you have rejected and humbled us;
you no longer go out with our armies.
10 You made us retreat before the enemy,
and our adversaries have plundered us.
11 You gave us up to be devoured like sheep
and have scattered us among the nations.
12 You sold your people for a pittance,
gaining nothing from their sale.
13 You have made us a reproach to our neighbors,
the scorn and derision of those around us.
14 You have made us a byword among the nations;
the peoples shake their heads at us.
15 I live in disgrace all day long,
and my face is covered with shame
16 at the taunts of those who reproach and revile me,
because of the enemy, who is bent on revenge.
Psalm 44:9-16
But now, where have You brought us to?
The prison ministry is no more. We couldn't physically keep doing it all ourselves, and the Campus House decided it was no longer a priority. So, not only is it no longer the highlight of our week and our very lives, the prison ministry that meant so much to Roy Weece is no longer part of the Christian Campus House ministry.
The small group that meant so much to our lives also fizzled out around the same time. And our children grew up - in more ways than one - and were no longer central in our ministry lives.
And so we've sat and wondered what's next, with nothing showing on the horizon. Our ministry opportunities have become smaller. Me with occasional conversations with rideshare passengers and co-workers at the office; she shepherding her piano students and their families. We have a new small group, which has been a blessing.
We know - yes we know - that many Christians don't even do that much and never miss it, leaving them hungry for things they don't even comprehend. But for us, it's been like losing whole limbs.
And then, Lord, and then... 2020. Isolated at home because we're both high risk for the virus. Isolated from the co-workers and the rideshare passengers and the casual living room conversations with piano families and small group friends.
On top of all that, I've been laid off from my job. Separated from the career I chose instead of the one I went to bible college for. Months searching for another job, in a pandemic job market. A 63 year old man who can only work remote jobs is not in great demand. Not in any demand.
My rational mind tells me otherwise, but my emotions live in disgrace all day long, and my face is covered in shame at the taunts of Imposter Syndrome, and second-guessing all those choices driven by fear and the heart of renegades, even as they were driven by divine urging.
17 All this came upon us,
though we had not forgotten you;
we had not been false to your covenant.
18 Our hearts had not turned back;
our feet had not strayed from your path.
19 But you crushed us and made us a haunt for jackals;
you covered us over with deep darkness.
20 If we had forgotten the name of our God
or spread out our hands to a foreign god,
21 would not God have discovered it,
since he knows the secrets of the heart?
22 Yet for your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.
Psalm 44:17-22
And here we are, with all this come upon us. And yet, we have not forgotten you. We run ourselves in circles trying to remind ourselves there must be a plan. We've never known where you were leading us.
Our hearts have not turned back; our feet have not strayed from your path, even when we have no clue where the path even is.
23 Awake, Lord! Why do you sleep?
Rouse yourself! Do not reject us forever.
24 Why do you hide your face
and forget our misery and oppression?
25 We are brought down to the dust;
our bodies cling to the ground.
26 Rise up and help us;
rescue us because of your unfailing love.
Psalm 44:23-26
